A letter to the spider living in my bathroom
Dear Spider living in my bathroom,
This is your landlord.
I really don't mind you living here, I don't mind at all. But after finding myself violated by yet another of Nature's tiny winged vampires (aka. mosquitoes) that managed to squeeze its way through the bathroom window screen, I have decided that you need to do more to earn your keep around here. I know that you've been working very hard and I know exactly what you're going to say: "Look at the web I just abandoned, don't you see how many carcasses of tasty treats there are, and don't you see me munching on that big juicy bug I caught this morning?" Yes, yes, I see all that, and I suppose that you want me to clean up your old web so that when you're finished with your current one, you can move back over there, but all these things really aren't good enough. A person should never have to live in fear of having her blood sucked right out of her own body and then have an itchy, painful welt left behind, so all of that really isn't good enough. But since I've noticed that you like to move around periodically, may I suggest the corner of the windowsill directly above the screen. I think this locale would benefit us both. It would provide an endless food source for you, and it will keep me from being eaten alive and not living in fear when I keep my bathroom window open. Heck, I'd even be willing to remove the carcasses from your web periodically in order to make room for more. But in case that area feels too exposed or you would worry about getting wet from the shower, one of the corners above the light fixture would work as well, since there seems to be a swarm of flying insects in that general vicinity.
But no, I can tell that you're going to completely disregard your landlord's wishes, and keeping on eating that big, fat juicy bug that you caught this morning. Fine be that way, let your poor landlord get eaten by the relentless mosquitoes and attacked by the other strange looking stinging insects that find their way into our home. I don't imagine it will bother you at all in the slightest, you'll get big and fat either way.
OK, fine, you can stay.
This is your landlord.
I really don't mind you living here, I don't mind at all. But after finding myself violated by yet another of Nature's tiny winged vampires (aka. mosquitoes) that managed to squeeze its way through the bathroom window screen, I have decided that you need to do more to earn your keep around here. I know that you've been working very hard and I know exactly what you're going to say: "Look at the web I just abandoned, don't you see how many carcasses of tasty treats there are, and don't you see me munching on that big juicy bug I caught this morning?" Yes, yes, I see all that, and I suppose that you want me to clean up your old web so that when you're finished with your current one, you can move back over there, but all these things really aren't good enough. A person should never have to live in fear of having her blood sucked right out of her own body and then have an itchy, painful welt left behind, so all of that really isn't good enough. But since I've noticed that you like to move around periodically, may I suggest the corner of the windowsill directly above the screen. I think this locale would benefit us both. It would provide an endless food source for you, and it will keep me from being eaten alive and not living in fear when I keep my bathroom window open. Heck, I'd even be willing to remove the carcasses from your web periodically in order to make room for more. But in case that area feels too exposed or you would worry about getting wet from the shower, one of the corners above the light fixture would work as well, since there seems to be a swarm of flying insects in that general vicinity.
But no, I can tell that you're going to completely disregard your landlord's wishes, and keeping on eating that big, fat juicy bug that you caught this morning. Fine be that way, let your poor landlord get eaten by the relentless mosquitoes and attacked by the other strange looking stinging insects that find their way into our home. I don't imagine it will bother you at all in the slightest, you'll get big and fat either way.
OK, fine, you can stay.
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