#MeToo
OK, My turn.
When I was 5, my parents moved to a great big house in a city. I had lots of friends that lived nearby, and that I went to school with at the Catholic School. But one boy came over a lot more than the others. He lived with his grandmother because his mother was in prison. For what, I don't know, but I do know that he had a very troubled life. He was a few years older than me, but he still came over to "play" all the time. At first, I was happy to play with him, then things changed. He wanted me to kiss him. I didn't want to. It made me uncomfortable. He threatened me with all sorts of things. The more I resisted, the worse and more outlandish the threats got. Remember, I was 5, threats of magic, and other such things, worked on my overactive imagination. The threat that worked the most was that he would make my parents disappear if I didn't kiss him like they did in the movies. He would do things like "lock" me in the bathtub and not let me out until I kissed him. I hated it, and I was terrified of him, yet he still came over. I used to pray that my mother would catch him and send him away for good and I would never see him again. But, it never happened, and I never told her what happened. We moved away when I finished Kindergarten, and I didn't tell anyone for years.
I was a teen when I finally told my story. Many people, but not all, blew it off as "child's play" but it's not child's play when it's not consensual. This was not an "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." This was, you do what I say, or bad things will happen to you. He knew what he was doing, and how to control me in order to get what he wanted. I didn't tell anyone again for quite a while because I was afraid it would be blown off again as just something kids do. The next time I came forward with it, I was listened to. I realized I was not alone, many other people, boys and girls, had similar stories. This was not something isolated.
Fast forward many more years, I became curious, I wanted to know what happened to him, so I did a search. Sadly, but not surprising, he was in prison. Five counts of sexual penetration of minors, and several charges of sexual assault against adult women had earned him a life sentence. I was filled torn with many emotions at that time. But one was relief. Relief that we had left when we did, because how many other girls did he threaten after I left? Girls that never came forward with their story when he was finally arrested. But also of guilt. He was only 8 when he did this to me. Who was doing that to him? Who was driving him to the point that he felt he needed to do it someone more vulnerable than he was? I had to remind myself that there was nothing I could have done. I was only 5, and I was terrified to tell anyone. But what if I had? Would he have gotten help? Could he have been stopped before it got so bad that he ended up with a life sentence? I don't know, but as a teacher, I have now been trained to look for the warning signs of such abuse so that I can help put to a stop to it. It starts somewhere, most of these men just don't wake up one day and decide that they are going to assault a women. For most of them, it started a long time ago, when they were children, and they were led to believe that was OK. When no one stepped in and put a stop to the toxic cycle.
Fast forward to today. I sit here having a very, very hard time dealing with the accusations that have come forward with Brett Kavanaugh. A very hard time. I have virtually quit going on Facebook except to post pictures and wish people a happy birthday. It's too toxic and hateful. I have quit listening to the news, I have quit listening to the radio. I avoid all news websites. And here's why. I absolutely, 100%, wholeheartedly believe that she was assaulted. I'm supposed to, I'm a woman who was molested, and understands the terror of what she went through. But I have an issue with no evidence. All of her witnesses say it wasn't him. He says it wasn't him, his story hasn't waivered. Many women have come forward and say that they can't believe that he would ever do this. Two men have come forward saying it was them, and not him, who assaulted him. There is a man out there, who looks exactly like him. So why am I supposed to assume that he's guilty with no proof? Aren't we supposed to believe a person is innocent until proven guilty? That's what our society was based on. But, there's the movement that says if a woman says she was assaulted, she must be believed, no questions, no evidence. He's guilty, end of story. So, I decided to put myself in her shoes. What if I had to confront my molester all those years later? I couldn't even remember what he looked like until I saw a picture of the two of sitting together on my front porch. That's right, you heard me, 35 years later, I cannot remember what he looked like. He was someone who caused me much emotional trauma, yet if I had to pick him out based on pictures of boys his age, I couldn't do it. There is not a doubt in my mind that my case would have been dismissed because I couldn't even tell you what he looked like. Aren't we supposed to remember details like that? We are told that traumatic events tend to stick out very clearly with details, like faces, very clear. So why can't I remember what he looked like? Was it because I was only 5? Maybe. Was it because it was so long ago? Maybe. Was it because the human brain and memory is fallible. More likely.
Am I saying that she wasn't assaulted? No. She was, no doubt there. But if we are supposed to believe women when they are assaulted without a question, where do we draw the line? Do we draw a line? What if this is turning into a war against men? White men in particular? What would I do if my husband was accused with no evidence? Would I be told I have to believe his accuser because she's a woman and we are told that we have to believe all women when they say they were assaulted without question? I believe I would be. I believe I would be told that I am a horrible person for supporting my husband, because that is what people are saying about Kavanaugh's wife. What if a few years from now, my son gets accused? Or my father? Then what? Do I have to stop believing that they are incapable of doing such a thing just because some woman came forward and said "He did it! He assaulted me!"
That right there is why I am having so much trouble with this. Why are we expected to believe a woman without evidence just because she's a woman? Why? What happens after this, when all women are believed without question? Then is OK for a woman to accuse a man of virtually anything with no evidence? Is it going to lead to the man serving prison time for a crime he may not have committed just because he is a man and a woman accused him? I don't know, but it terrifies me. I want to believe women when they say they were assaulted, I really do. But I have a very hard time doing so without evidence. I have no evidence of that boy doing what he did to me, but I know it happened. And if things had been different, and he ended up running for Congress or judge, or president, or whatever, I would never expect to come forward with that information. I have absolutely no witnesses, nothing. I have nothing but my word against his. Once upon a time, that would never have been enough to convict someone. But in today's world, I fear it is. I fear for the men in my life, my son, my husband, my father. I fear that someday, they will be accused of something they didn't do, and the only thing it will take to get them convicted is their accuser's word against theirs, simply because they are men. That's not the kind of world I want to live in.
When I was 5, my parents moved to a great big house in a city. I had lots of friends that lived nearby, and that I went to school with at the Catholic School. But one boy came over a lot more than the others. He lived with his grandmother because his mother was in prison. For what, I don't know, but I do know that he had a very troubled life. He was a few years older than me, but he still came over to "play" all the time. At first, I was happy to play with him, then things changed. He wanted me to kiss him. I didn't want to. It made me uncomfortable. He threatened me with all sorts of things. The more I resisted, the worse and more outlandish the threats got. Remember, I was 5, threats of magic, and other such things, worked on my overactive imagination. The threat that worked the most was that he would make my parents disappear if I didn't kiss him like they did in the movies. He would do things like "lock" me in the bathtub and not let me out until I kissed him. I hated it, and I was terrified of him, yet he still came over. I used to pray that my mother would catch him and send him away for good and I would never see him again. But, it never happened, and I never told her what happened. We moved away when I finished Kindergarten, and I didn't tell anyone for years.
I was a teen when I finally told my story. Many people, but not all, blew it off as "child's play" but it's not child's play when it's not consensual. This was not an "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." This was, you do what I say, or bad things will happen to you. He knew what he was doing, and how to control me in order to get what he wanted. I didn't tell anyone again for quite a while because I was afraid it would be blown off again as just something kids do. The next time I came forward with it, I was listened to. I realized I was not alone, many other people, boys and girls, had similar stories. This was not something isolated.
Fast forward many more years, I became curious, I wanted to know what happened to him, so I did a search. Sadly, but not surprising, he was in prison. Five counts of sexual penetration of minors, and several charges of sexual assault against adult women had earned him a life sentence. I was filled torn with many emotions at that time. But one was relief. Relief that we had left when we did, because how many other girls did he threaten after I left? Girls that never came forward with their story when he was finally arrested. But also of guilt. He was only 8 when he did this to me. Who was doing that to him? Who was driving him to the point that he felt he needed to do it someone more vulnerable than he was? I had to remind myself that there was nothing I could have done. I was only 5, and I was terrified to tell anyone. But what if I had? Would he have gotten help? Could he have been stopped before it got so bad that he ended up with a life sentence? I don't know, but as a teacher, I have now been trained to look for the warning signs of such abuse so that I can help put to a stop to it. It starts somewhere, most of these men just don't wake up one day and decide that they are going to assault a women. For most of them, it started a long time ago, when they were children, and they were led to believe that was OK. When no one stepped in and put a stop to the toxic cycle.
Fast forward to today. I sit here having a very, very hard time dealing with the accusations that have come forward with Brett Kavanaugh. A very hard time. I have virtually quit going on Facebook except to post pictures and wish people a happy birthday. It's too toxic and hateful. I have quit listening to the news, I have quit listening to the radio. I avoid all news websites. And here's why. I absolutely, 100%, wholeheartedly believe that she was assaulted. I'm supposed to, I'm a woman who was molested, and understands the terror of what she went through. But I have an issue with no evidence. All of her witnesses say it wasn't him. He says it wasn't him, his story hasn't waivered. Many women have come forward and say that they can't believe that he would ever do this. Two men have come forward saying it was them, and not him, who assaulted him. There is a man out there, who looks exactly like him. So why am I supposed to assume that he's guilty with no proof? Aren't we supposed to believe a person is innocent until proven guilty? That's what our society was based on. But, there's the movement that says if a woman says she was assaulted, she must be believed, no questions, no evidence. He's guilty, end of story. So, I decided to put myself in her shoes. What if I had to confront my molester all those years later? I couldn't even remember what he looked like until I saw a picture of the two of sitting together on my front porch. That's right, you heard me, 35 years later, I cannot remember what he looked like. He was someone who caused me much emotional trauma, yet if I had to pick him out based on pictures of boys his age, I couldn't do it. There is not a doubt in my mind that my case would have been dismissed because I couldn't even tell you what he looked like. Aren't we supposed to remember details like that? We are told that traumatic events tend to stick out very clearly with details, like faces, very clear. So why can't I remember what he looked like? Was it because I was only 5? Maybe. Was it because it was so long ago? Maybe. Was it because the human brain and memory is fallible. More likely.
Am I saying that she wasn't assaulted? No. She was, no doubt there. But if we are supposed to believe women when they are assaulted without a question, where do we draw the line? Do we draw a line? What if this is turning into a war against men? White men in particular? What would I do if my husband was accused with no evidence? Would I be told I have to believe his accuser because she's a woman and we are told that we have to believe all women when they say they were assaulted without question? I believe I would be. I believe I would be told that I am a horrible person for supporting my husband, because that is what people are saying about Kavanaugh's wife. What if a few years from now, my son gets accused? Or my father? Then what? Do I have to stop believing that they are incapable of doing such a thing just because some woman came forward and said "He did it! He assaulted me!"
That right there is why I am having so much trouble with this. Why are we expected to believe a woman without evidence just because she's a woman? Why? What happens after this, when all women are believed without question? Then is OK for a woman to accuse a man of virtually anything with no evidence? Is it going to lead to the man serving prison time for a crime he may not have committed just because he is a man and a woman accused him? I don't know, but it terrifies me. I want to believe women when they say they were assaulted, I really do. But I have a very hard time doing so without evidence. I have no evidence of that boy doing what he did to me, but I know it happened. And if things had been different, and he ended up running for Congress or judge, or president, or whatever, I would never expect to come forward with that information. I have absolutely no witnesses, nothing. I have nothing but my word against his. Once upon a time, that would never have been enough to convict someone. But in today's world, I fear it is. I fear for the men in my life, my son, my husband, my father. I fear that someday, they will be accused of something they didn't do, and the only thing it will take to get them convicted is their accuser's word against theirs, simply because they are men. That's not the kind of world I want to live in.
Comments
Post a Comment