This isn't easy (musings about the virus from a teacher and how I learned to cope with not seeing my kids in person)
But no one said it would be. I knew it was going to happen, I knew we would be teaching online at some point during this pandemic. Other countries were doing it, other states started shutting down their schools. I tried to prepare myself. My school tried to prepare us. But, can you really prepare for something like this? Sure, you can learn all you can about online platforms, and how to deliver lessons online, but, nothing can ever, ever prepare you for the emotional impact this has on a person.
I miss my kids. I miss them terribly, and this was very, very hard for me. To the point that I ended each week despondent and crying constantly. I was taking it out on myself, and my family. I almost wished that it was summer and I didn't have to see their faces on the computer screen, because that was harder than not seeing them at all. I wasn't sure if I could keep doing it. I knew I had to because they were counting on me bring some sort of normalcy to their lives too. I had to figure out a way to cope because I was about to crack. I knew I wasn't the only one struggling with this; my coworkers also expressed how difficult teaching online for them was. It wasn't about the technology that came easy for all us. It was about missing the daily in-person interactions, the nuances, the jokes, the smiles, even the tears, that brought us all together at our small school. A computer screen projecting across a distance can't replace that.
One Friday night, after online lessons and an online staff meeting, I broke down. Bawling. My husband had to console me. He reminded me that every interaction, whether on the internet or in person, requires an energy exchange. I'm a teacher, and I am used to giving my energy to my kiddos. They can't really give any back because they're kids. Ever hear any teacher say that students suck the energy right out of them? That's because they do, but in a healthy exchange, the teacher can replenish his/her own energy quite quickly. What I was doing was giving more, trying to make up for being online.
I was pouring all of my emotional self into these online exchanges, and it wasn't working. One, because they are so far away, two, online, is meant to be impersonal in regards to emotional energy exchanges. Ok, so while I understood the premise behind what he was saying. It wasn't really hitting home. I couldn't imagine not doing what I always do when teaching. That's who I am. So he put it another way. "Pretend that it is summer, and you have decided to tutor these students online to give them an extra boost for the next school year." That did the trick. Did I fool myself into thinking they were summer tutoring students? No, but it changed my mindset and how to approach this. Do I still miss them? You bet I do, I would much rather see them in person. But, I no longer look at this with a dire outlook. Yes, it's hard. I am not cut out to be an online teacher, I freely admit this. But, I don't look at this like I will never see them again, or that I will be doing this forever. Yes, I might have to do it longer than this school year, I get that. But, the attitude change from, this is horrible that I can't see my kids, let me pour everything into them so they can cope better, to, I will see them again, and together, we will accomplish what we set out to accomplish, changed everything. My sessions with my kids are much more upbeat, with lots of laughter and smiles, like they used to be in person. Now, I look forward to seeing their faces on the computer screen, and I feel happy after, instead of hopeless and sad. I am truly grateful that we can have this way of teaching. It doesn't make up for seeing them in person, but, it does make it easier, knowing they are getting some sort of normalcy in their lives for a little while anyway.
Will this work for everyone? I don't know. But it worked for me, and I felt it was important to share it so maybe others can gain some knowledge and hope from it.
I miss my kids. I miss them terribly, and this was very, very hard for me. To the point that I ended each week despondent and crying constantly. I was taking it out on myself, and my family. I almost wished that it was summer and I didn't have to see their faces on the computer screen, because that was harder than not seeing them at all. I wasn't sure if I could keep doing it. I knew I had to because they were counting on me bring some sort of normalcy to their lives too. I had to figure out a way to cope because I was about to crack. I knew I wasn't the only one struggling with this; my coworkers also expressed how difficult teaching online for them was. It wasn't about the technology that came easy for all us. It was about missing the daily in-person interactions, the nuances, the jokes, the smiles, even the tears, that brought us all together at our small school. A computer screen projecting across a distance can't replace that.
One Friday night, after online lessons and an online staff meeting, I broke down. Bawling. My husband had to console me. He reminded me that every interaction, whether on the internet or in person, requires an energy exchange. I'm a teacher, and I am used to giving my energy to my kiddos. They can't really give any back because they're kids. Ever hear any teacher say that students suck the energy right out of them? That's because they do, but in a healthy exchange, the teacher can replenish his/her own energy quite quickly. What I was doing was giving more, trying to make up for being online.
I was pouring all of my emotional self into these online exchanges, and it wasn't working. One, because they are so far away, two, online, is meant to be impersonal in regards to emotional energy exchanges. Ok, so while I understood the premise behind what he was saying. It wasn't really hitting home. I couldn't imagine not doing what I always do when teaching. That's who I am. So he put it another way. "Pretend that it is summer, and you have decided to tutor these students online to give them an extra boost for the next school year." That did the trick. Did I fool myself into thinking they were summer tutoring students? No, but it changed my mindset and how to approach this. Do I still miss them? You bet I do, I would much rather see them in person. But, I no longer look at this with a dire outlook. Yes, it's hard. I am not cut out to be an online teacher, I freely admit this. But, I don't look at this like I will never see them again, or that I will be doing this forever. Yes, I might have to do it longer than this school year, I get that. But, the attitude change from, this is horrible that I can't see my kids, let me pour everything into them so they can cope better, to, I will see them again, and together, we will accomplish what we set out to accomplish, changed everything. My sessions with my kids are much more upbeat, with lots of laughter and smiles, like they used to be in person. Now, I look forward to seeing their faces on the computer screen, and I feel happy after, instead of hopeless and sad. I am truly grateful that we can have this way of teaching. It doesn't make up for seeing them in person, but, it does make it easier, knowing they are getting some sort of normalcy in their lives for a little while anyway.
Will this work for everyone? I don't know. But it worked for me, and I felt it was important to share it so maybe others can gain some knowledge and hope from it.
Comments
Post a Comment