Grieving

 They say there are 7 stages to grieving:

1. Shock and denial.
2. Pain and guilt.
3. Anger and bargaining.
4. Depression. 
5. The upward turn.
6. Reconstruction and working through.
7. Acceptance and hope.

They also say there is no time line on how long you should spend in these stages, and that not everyone goes through them, and those that do, don't necessarily go through them in the same order.  They may even go back an forth between the steps. 

The point is, there is no perfect formula for grieving a death.  There is no such thing as grieving by the book.  No one can tell you how long you will be in shock, or how long you will experience anger.  And no one can tell you that you haven't grieved long enough, or that you are grieving too long.  That being said, it is important to know those stages, so that you can understand what is happening, and can work through it.  

When my aunt passed away, we were expecting it, I did a lot of my initial grieving before she even passed.  But, it still hit me hard, and I spent a lot of time in my shower bargaining and feeling guilty that I was still here and healthy, while cancer had taken her.  I begged the powers to be to have us switch places.  And then I felt guilty for thinking that because I had a young son to raise, while her children were grown, and she had lived a nearly full life and I hadn't.  I would then burst into tears, grateful for the water to wash it away.  This lasted a very long time.  I still haven't fully gotten over her death nearly 13 years later.  I've accepted it, but I don't think I ever experienced the hope aspect of grieving for her death.

But with my grandma, it was sudden.  No one was expecting it, even though she was 92.  I almost immediately went into anger and blaming.  Then, I transitioned between anger in guilt for quite awhile.  I then went into denial. Surely she couldn't be gone, she was so healthy, so vibrant, she was going to out live us all.  I had all sorts of crazy stories in my head about what really happened to her, and then I felt guilty for coming up with those stories.  I'm mostly past that stage now, but every now and then, those thoughts come creeping back in.  

When I sorted through her things for a second time - the 1st being when I helped her pack for her move to Colorado - there was some healing in that, but I don't think I was quite ready for the influx of emotions that came flooding through.  I had to take many breaks just to sob.  In the beginning, it was the big stuff, her writing notes, and magazine cutouts that she saved for writing her columns.  I took out anything that looked personal and put it separate.  I tossed all the magazine articles with her signature sharpie notes on them saying "Good!" "For colm" "save!" (She wrote everything in sharpie - we used to get her packs of sharpies for her birthday and Christmas and she was always so happy to get more).  Then, later, when I was ready, I sorted through the more personal things, and found what I could save and what I could toss. Now, I'm preparing for making everything digital - scanning it onto a flashdrive at my work when I have time.  Eventually, I will compile her personal notes, and writings into a book for her grandkids.  I will publish her first columns she ever wrote into a book for those who followed her column regularly.  This will include her columns she wrote in Wisconsin.  And, in a separate book, I will publish all her short stories.  This will help me heal further.

Now that it's Christmas Eve and I am spending the 1st one without her, and I think about all the fun times we spent during Christmas and other times, my eyes are filling with tears.  It will be a very different Christmas without her.

Writing this isn't easy.  I haven't accepted that she's gone yet.  It's only been 2 months, but in time, I will be able to accept her death.