Fear and Perceptions

 

Entrance to Capulin Volcano

When I was a very little girl, my grandparents took me to Capulin Volcano. We looked at all the pictures in the visitor's center,  which I have a vague memory of.  And then my grandpa was going to walk down into the volcano with me.  I freaked.  My grandparents couldn't figure out why,  after all,  the volcano was extinct and perfectly safe to walk down.  What they didn't realize is that I saw something very different than what everyone else saw.  I saw a sandy slope with a large hole at the bottom. (Think of looking down at the top of an hourglass while the sand funnels down the hole, or sand dunes) I didn't see a trail, lava rocks, trees,  dirt.  My intense fear of this volcano totally changed my perception of what I saw at that moment.  Maybe if my grandparents had understood my very distorted vision,  they might've been able to convince me to release that and go down into the volcano.  But, at that point in time,  as I watched the sand cascade down to the bottom as we stepped on it,  it was very, very real.  I could see it,  I could feel the sand give way under my feet,  and I was convinced the we would fall into the hole at the bottom and disappear forever.  

This is similar to what  I saw when my grandpa tried to take me into the volcano

Fear is a very powerful thing for people and changes the way we perceive our surroundings.  Sometimes drastically, sometimes subtly. 

Several years later,  still convinced that was what Capulin looked like,  my elementary school went on a field trip there. I was braver then,  and determined that I would go down into the volcano and I wouldn't fall in.  Imagine my surprise when I saw it with a trail, tons of ladybugs (we went during ladybug feeding season- which if you've never experienced at Capulin Volcano,  I highly recommend it), lava rocks, dirt,  plants, all the normal things you would expect to see on a mountain.  No sandy, narrow cone, with a large hole at the bottom. I remember thinking how quickly things had changed in such a short time, not realizing until we were down in the crater, that this is how it's looked for a very,  very,  very long time.  

This is actually what the inside of Capulin looks like.

So what did I see so many years before? I had no idea.  Somehow,  I convinced myself that I had a psychic vision of what it must've looked like shortly after it erupted.  It wasn't until a very long time after that,  that I realized that volcanoes don't look like that after erupting. 

This is what the inside of a volcano that has recently erupted looks like - not too far off from what I thought I saw, but the sand is not white

Later, when I was student teaching in Las Cruces, We had just done a unit on volcanoes.  A little boy in my class told me that he hated driving to El Paso. I asked him why.  He told me because of all the volcanoes that were erupting on the way there. He said he saw them,  but no one else could.  There are volcanic domes down there,  but all of them are extinct.  Like the Raton plateau volcanic field (Capulin, being a part of that field- but is extinct), the Potrillo field near Las Cruces is dormant .  But the domes are extinct.  But,  he was convinced that they were not and was terrified of driving that way.  

So, most people would say that what I experienced and what that little boy experienced was the result of an overactive imagination.  Some might also say that we were both hallucinating. And maybe we were,  but not because of any mental illness.  But because of fear.  Fear colors how we perceive the world.  I think back to my son who was afraid of heights, and equally terrified of rooms with high ceilings.  Why? Because he was afraid that if he went into those types of rooms, he "wouldn't be able to get down again." In other words,  he was afraid he would somehow float to the top and get stuck. His perception of the world was very,  very different than other people's. And what he saw led him to believe that was a very plausible outcome.  And it terrified him. So much so that he would scream and cry if he went into a room with high ceilings. I remember telling him that wasn't going to happen,  he wasn't going to get stuck up there.  That if he floated up to the top,  he would be able to get back down again.  And that if not,  someone would help him get down and he would be safe.  I did not tell him that his fear was unfounded, or foolish,  or impossible, because I knew that doesn't work.  More often than not,  when you dismiss a child's fears,  the fear doesn't go away,  they just learn not to trust you with their fears.  I think the same thing goes for people of any age.  Eventually,  my son realized that I was right,  he would be able to get down somehow,  and his fear dissolved. Oh,  and by the way,  he wasn't afraid of floating away outside because the wind would help him.  

As adults,  we have a better understanding of our surroundings and typically don't see things as skewed as children do. But, fear still colors the way we perceive the world. And it feels just as real to us as it does to children.  We're just not as likely to go into hysterics publicly about it because we don't want to look foolish.  But our fears still prevent us from doing things or experiencing things,  or feeling things,  because of how we perceive the world as a result. So,  what should we do with this information? Go forward in life with the understanding that none of us see the world the same because of our personal perceptions. And that's OK.  But,  that information can give us more compassion, not only with others,  but also with ourselves.