Your chronic illness
Tonight, I sit here missing you. Missing the way things were before you became ill. Missing the fun, carefree man I married. I know you miss that person you once were too. I know you wonder if you will live through this, especially on your bad days, when all you can see and feel is the darkness that this disease forces on you. It hurts me to see you in this pain.
The last two years have been so hard on all of us. But through the hell that Lyme disease has put us through, I have found a strength I never knew I had. I had to take on responsibilities I never wanted. I was happy working one part-time job while attending graduate school. Your income was more than enough for me to do this and still keep a roof over our heads and food on our table. But then, the unexpected struck, and I had to take on more than I ever thought I could handle. 3 part-time jobs, graduate school, raising our son, caring for you, juggling appointments. Somehow, I did it, and it made me stronger. Even on the days I would rather hide in a cave away from it all, I still managed to pull through for you, and for us. When I went to a full-time job, one that would allow me to take time off to take you to appointments, I thought that would be easier. But silly me took on an intense training program, one that will eventually allow me to work my own hours, my own schedule. Maybe I did it as a distraction, to keep my mind off of the bad things, but I have found that it is something I truly love doing. I have learned through all of this that I can take on a lot more than I ever realized, and that has made me happy. No longer am I the scared, lazy little girl who wanted to avoid responsibility at all costs. Now, I am confident, and ready to take on just about anything. I am ready for this trial to end though. I want you to get well.
You tried to drive me away once, saying that you didn't want me to be around this. But I stayed, vowing never to leave your side. I still won't, no matter how hard it gets. While others going through less difficult situations grow apart, somehow, we grew closer. You have told me more than once that if it hadn't been for me, you would be dead already. That you would have found a way to end it. I don't know if you realize how hearing that makes me feel loved. It hurts that you considered ending it, and we both know how close you came, but knowing that somehow, I have helped you, makes me feel good.
As I see you slowly starting to get better, I am grateful for discovering the strength I never knew I had, but I am also grateful that I am beginning to get my husband back.
The last two years have been so hard on all of us. But through the hell that Lyme disease has put us through, I have found a strength I never knew I had. I had to take on responsibilities I never wanted. I was happy working one part-time job while attending graduate school. Your income was more than enough for me to do this and still keep a roof over our heads and food on our table. But then, the unexpected struck, and I had to take on more than I ever thought I could handle. 3 part-time jobs, graduate school, raising our son, caring for you, juggling appointments. Somehow, I did it, and it made me stronger. Even on the days I would rather hide in a cave away from it all, I still managed to pull through for you, and for us. When I went to a full-time job, one that would allow me to take time off to take you to appointments, I thought that would be easier. But silly me took on an intense training program, one that will eventually allow me to work my own hours, my own schedule. Maybe I did it as a distraction, to keep my mind off of the bad things, but I have found that it is something I truly love doing. I have learned through all of this that I can take on a lot more than I ever realized, and that has made me happy. No longer am I the scared, lazy little girl who wanted to avoid responsibility at all costs. Now, I am confident, and ready to take on just about anything. I am ready for this trial to end though. I want you to get well.
You tried to drive me away once, saying that you didn't want me to be around this. But I stayed, vowing never to leave your side. I still won't, no matter how hard it gets. While others going through less difficult situations grow apart, somehow, we grew closer. You have told me more than once that if it hadn't been for me, you would be dead already. That you would have found a way to end it. I don't know if you realize how hearing that makes me feel loved. It hurts that you considered ending it, and we both know how close you came, but knowing that somehow, I have helped you, makes me feel good.
As I see you slowly starting to get better, I am grateful for discovering the strength I never knew I had, but I am also grateful that I am beginning to get my husband back.
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